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Wednesday, March 28, 2012

READING RAMBO

This week's reader submitted RAMBO comes to us by way of Kyle Stoeckig. I'm especially fond of the appearance of Dabney Coleman. Thanks Kyle!


RAMBO: First Blood Part III: The Right to Bare Arms

Writers note: This film uses the title structure as was outlined in the second RAMBO movie. Also, “bare” is not a typo as it refers to RAMBO'S insistence on never wearing a shirt.

The movie opens in Hell. RAMBO is doing time there because of the millions of people he has killed, despite the fact that all of them deserved it. All of them. He is breaking boulders with a large sledge hammer. The demons all around him cower in fear as they are afraid of RAMBO's immense power and strength. Even Satan is scared that RAMBO could destroy them all. In walks a familiar face. It's THE GENERAL.

“Rambo, your country needs you,” says THE GENERAL.

“I've got too much blood on my hands. My fighting days are done,” says RAMBO.

“But you don't understand. Someone is threatening to do something really bad to a lot of people and no one can stop him or her but you.”

“It sounds serious.”

“So will you help us?”

“I'm in.”

The next shot is of RAMBO on a motorcycle coming out of a graveyard while Meatloaf's “Bat Out Of Hell” plays.

 He rides through the jungle for about a half hour killing militia men with his giant KA-BAR knife and then rides into a large aircraft hanger. Inside is the giant computer from War Games.

Dabney Coleman greets RAMBO and says, “It's much worse than we thought. The Polynesian terrorist known as Humuhumunukunukuāpuaa is threatening to destroy the English system of measurement and replace it with the Metric system. Do you know what this means?”

RAMBO calmly answers, “The complete annihilation of the USA and all her true allies. That will never happen, so long as I'm alive.”

RAMBO then takes a helicopter and flies it into space. A huge battle ensues with RAMBO shooting up enemy spaceships. It is actually just B roll from Star Trek: The Next Generation with a toy helicopter being held by someone's hand slightly off screen. But the explosions are intense.

Cut to RAMBO coming face to face with Humuhumunukunukuāpuaa.



“So we meet again, my son,” says Humuhumunukunukuāpuaa.

“Unfortunately for you, it will be the last time that we meet again ... Dad,” says RAMBO.

Writers Note: RAMBO's relationship to Humuhumunukunukuāpuaa is never addressed or mentioned again.

Then a giant fight rages between the two men. It is being broadcast worldwide and the scene occasionally switches to huddled masses around TV screens. Entire cities have come to a standstill to watch the epic battle. At one point RAMBO shoots an exploding arrow at Humuhumunukunukuāpuaa, but he ducks out of the way and it hits Mount Rushmore blowing off Thomas Jefferson's head. Humuhumunukunukuāpuaa laughs. RAMBO shakes with rage, crying, “No one makes me blow the head off a Founding Father. NO ONE!!”

At that point, RAMBO goes berserk in slow motion and starts tearing Humuhumunukunukuāpuaa to pieces while Lee Greenwood's “Proud to Be An American” plays. The song is entirely inappropriate for the disturbingly graphic nature of the violence, as RAMBO literally dismembers Humuhumunukunukuāpuaa. Just before he delivers the final death blow to the villain's scattered limbs, RAMBO looks into the eyes of Humuhumunukunukuāpuaa's now-severed head and says, “@#&* the Metric system.”

And then RAMBO punches Humuhumunukunukuāpuaa's head, which explodes.

The scene fades to black and “1 Year Later” appears on the screen.

RAMBO is taking a walk in the woods with THE GENERAL.

“Rambo, you saved us once again. Is there any way your country can show its appreciation?” says the General.

RAMBO says with a slight smile, “Oh, I think they have done quite enough."

The camera the pans up above the trees to reveal Mount Rushmore with RAMBO's face now carved in place of Jefferson’s.

Roll end credits to Hulk Hogan's entrance song, “Real American”




After the credits are done the following disclaimer is placed: No people or animals were injured or harmed during the making of this film. They were all killed by RAMBO.

Followed by the “Filmed in Georgia” logo.

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