Thursday, March 22, 2012


RAMBO XIII: The Beast of 10,000 Faces

The film opens on the London Olympics, and we see a leotard-wearing RAMBO who appears to be warming up for a gymnastics floor routine.

"And now RAMBO prepares for his final routine, which will decide the overall gold medal for the entire Olympics," an announcer says in voiceover.

RAMBO takes a few deep breaths, then begins to run across the floor. He turns several back handsprings and shoots into the air. The camera follows him upward as he grabs a parallel bar on which he turns several revolutions before releasing and somersaulting through the air once again. As he does, he pulls a bow seemingly from nowhere and shoots a bullseye as he flies past a target. Still flying through the air, RAMBO produces a shotgun with which he blasts several clay pigeons that come whizzing into frame. As he reaches the peak of his jump, a basketball hoop appears. RAMBO pulls two basketballs from behind his back, jams them through the hoop and shatters the backboard before beginning his descent. Falling toward earth, he hurls a discus, hammer and javelin offscreen in rapid succession, then twists, flips and quintuple gainers his way into a pool without making a splash.

RAMBO rises to the surface of the pool holding a bar laden with an impossible number of weights, and the crowd erupts in thunderous applause, rushing the floor and hoisting RAMBO onto their shoulders as he walks across the water to the pool deck.

A stately elderly gentleman approaches and quiets the crowd.

"As head of the Olympic Committee, I declare RAMBO the winner of the entire Olympics, both now and in perpetuity, and hereby decree that all future Olympics are obsolete," the man says.

The crowd again cheers, and places RAMBO on a podium. As the American flag is hoisted for the medal ceremony, The Scorpions' "Rock You Like a Hurricane" is played in lieu of the Star Spangled Banner.

The camera pans over to reveal THE GENERAL standing in the silver medalist position on the podium. As he speaks, both he and RAMBO are presented with medals.

"Rambo, we have a problem," THE GENERAL says. "Aliens have invaded Earth, and they've taken over the White House."

"You'll have to find someone else, General," RAMBO replies. "I've broken every world record at this Olympics except one … my past."

THE GENERAL and RAMBO appear momentarily nonplussed as they consider this statement, then shrug and continue.

"You don't understand, Rambo. These aliens are shape-shifters. They can take any form!" THE GENERAL pleads.

"Even yours?" RAMBO asks, raising an eyebrow.

RAMBO proceeds to brutally beat THE GENERAL to death, then hurl his body across the room. The camera cuts to THE GENERAL's body, which is obviously a poorly constructed dummy with a shockingly crude styrofoam alien head.

The scene cuts back to RAMBO, still atop the podium. The camera pans to his left to reveal THE GENERAL standing in the bronze medal position, also wearing a medal.

"Good work, Rambo," he says. "You knew right away that that General was an alien impostor, and I'm the real General. Now, will you help us save the world from these alien invaders?"

"What kind of Olympic champion would I be if I didn't, Real General?" RAMBO asks.

"A poor one," THE REAL GENERAL responds to RAMBO's obviously hypothetical query. "But how will you make it to the White House in time?"

"I'll use the power of gymnastics," RAMBO replies.

The scene cuts to a steamy, Southeast Asian jungle. A caption at the bottom of the screen reads, "The White House". Suddenly, RAMBO flies into frame on a bobsled, though only moments before he had vowed to use gymnastics as a means of transportation.

There is little time to address this oversight, as RAMBO leaps from the bobsled and begins to fly, arms outstretched. Curiously, jet engine noises emanate from him. Below him, we see hundreds of militiamen begin to flee in terror as they are strafed with tracer rounds, though when we see RAMBO again he appears to be unarmed.

This strafing run continues for about the next 25 minutes, and we are treated to alternating shots of militiamen running for cover as round after round rains down upon them, and point-of-view shots from RAMBO's perspective as he bears down on them. It should be noted that crosshairs are evident in the point-of-view shots.

RAMBO finally lands, and spends the next 70 minutes running through the jungle and slaughtering militiamen who put up no visible resistance. He makes his way to a Quonset hut bearing a sign reading "Oval Office". RAMBO bursts inside to find two men dressed as Benjamin Franklin.

"One of us is the real President, and one is an alien impostor," one of the Franklins cries. "But which one?"

RAMBO ponders for a moment, then thrusts his hands out simultaneously and rips both Franklins' hearts from their chests.

"Guess it's time for a new election," RAMBO says, smirking. He thinks for a second, then cries, "No, no! Wait! … Hell to the Chief."

RAMBO appears extremely proud of this quip as an anonymous young man enters.

"Looks like that's the end of those pesky aliens, but I've got some bad news."

He points to the horizon, and the camera pans to reveal a half-buried Statue of Liberty.

"It was Earth the entire time," he says.

RAMBO screams, and the scene freezes as the theme from X-Files plays over the credits.

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