Thursday, March 15, 2012


RAMBO XII: The Skeleton Army of Dr. Mephistopheles

Note: Thanks to Ryan Smith for the title of this edition of RAMBO of the Week. Tune in on Tuesday to see Ryan's poster for The Skeleton Army of Dr. Mephistopheles.

The film opens with THE GENERAL walking up a steep, winding staircase cut into the side of a mountain. He climbs to the top to find an enormous Buddhist temple situated at the precipice. He is met there by a Shaolin monk.

"Where is he?" THE GENERAL asks.

The Shaolin monk takes THE GENERAL by the arm and leads him into the temple, stopping at the doorway and prostrating himself. RAMBO is in the centre of the temple, eyes tightly closed, legs crossed in the Lotus Position. He is levitating several feet off the ground.

 "I see you finally found me, General," RAMBO says without opening his eyes.

"You're a hard man to track down these days," THE GENERAL responds. "You know it wasn't your fault, Rambo. You never could have known that the tank you hurled at Gaddafi would knock him into that orphanage."

"Tell that to the parents of those orphans," RAMBO replies. The audience takes a moment to ponder this, before THE GENERAL speaks again.

"Rambo, we need your help. Your country needs you. Humanity needs you."

"I can't, General," RAMBO says. "I just can't. I've chosen the spiritual life. And as you know, I'm Pope now."

"You don't understand, Rambo. Rogue computer programs have abducted every world leader. We need someone to go into the computer world and free them or the United Nations building will explode," THE GENERAL says.

"You'll have to find someone else, General," RAMBO replies, closing his eyes once more. "Now, if you don't mind, I was just about to achieve total enlightenment."

RAMBO returns to meditating. THE GENERAL draws closer and places a hand on RAMBO's shoulder.

"I didn't want to tell you this, Rambo, but the computer programs are being led by ... The Quizmaster."

RAMBO suddenly stops levitating, falling to the ground in shock.

"You mean the man who killed my brother, Rimbo?"

"The same," THE GENERAL replies.

At this point it becomes clear that the screenwriter was either unaware or did not care that RAMBO is the character's surname, not his given name.

RAMBO removes a tattered photograph from his pocket. It is a poorly made composite photo of Sylvester Stallone from First Blood and Sylvester Stallone from Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot standing side-by-side.
"I'll do it," he says, lovingly stroking the photo. "For Rimbo."

In the next scene, RAMBO sits in front of a computer in a darkened room, a pair of bifocals perched on his nose as he stares intently at the screen.

"I'll have to use all my programming skills to enter the computer world," he says.

RAMBO stands up, crosses the room, then runs screaming toward the computer and dives headfirst at the screen.

The scene cuts to a steamy, Southeast Asian jungle. A caption at the bottom of the screen reads "The Computer World". Suddenly, RAMBO flies into frame at the helm of a speedboat, firing a flamethrower mounted to the bow. He lands and begins running through the jungle, graphically killing and dismembering militiamen. This continues for the next hour. At one point, we see a point-of-view shot of RAMBO chasing a terrified militiaman, who, when finally cornered, melts like the Nazis at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark.

Finally, RAMBO makes his way to a Quonset hut. He enters, only to find The Quizmaster pointing a rocket launcher at him.
"End of the line, Rambo!" The Quizmaster titters.

He fires off an RPG, hitting RAMBO squarely in the chest and causing an avalanche of debris which buries RAMBO entirely.

We are then treated to a soft-focus montage of various light-hearted moments from previous RAMBO films, all set to "Wind Beneath My Wings". As the song closes, we fade to black and a title card appears on the screen reading, "The End?"

Mere moments later, it is replaced by one reading, "No!!!!!"

The scene in the Quonset hut immediately picks up where it left off, and RAMBO comes shooting out of the pile of debris.

"Very impressive, Rambo," The Quizmaster says. "But it won't save all the world leaders. You can only do that if you can solve my most nefarious riddle to date: What has four legs but never runs?"

The scene cuts to a close-up of The Quizmaster's shocked face as RAMBO punches him squarely in the nose, shattering his head like a porcelain vase.

"That," RAMBO replies.

RAMBO then enters a room where the world leaders are being held. Each world leader is dressed in absurdly stereotypical garb representative of their country of origin.

After RAMBO has freed the world leaders, an anonymous young man enters and places a hand on his shoulder.

"You did it, Rambo, and not a moment too soon! The baby's on its way!"

In the next scene, RAMBO and several doctors run through a hospital corridor wheeling a gurney containing a woman who is obviously in labour. It must be noted that we have never seen this woman before, and that she is ABSOLUTELY NOT the actress who played RAMBO's wife in RAMBO VI: The Cobra's Pearl.

In the next scene, RAMBO is anxiously pacing in a waiting room. A doctor enters.

"Congratulations, Mr. Rambo. It's a boy!" the doctor says. "And here he is!"

He gestures toward the door, and out walks another, fully-grown and clothed RAMBO. The RAMBOs laugh and high-five.

The credits roll as Journey's "Any Way You Want It" plays.


  1. Someone needs to let Stallone know about this blog. It maps out his career for the foreseeable future. At least, it does if he wants his career to be awesome.