Thursday, May 3, 2012

Reading RAMBO

Okay, RAMBO lovers, last week we gave you the beginning of a RAMBO story and asked you to finish it for us. Our entry this week comes from Adam Martin, and it will blow your eyeballs through the back of your skull. And remember, if you have a Reading RAMBO submission, email us here.

To refresh your memory, we'll reprint the beginning of the story below. Adam's contribution begins after the jump.

Rambo XX: Murderbots from Beyond the 5th Dimension

As the movie opens, RAMBO is living high in the Himalayas, breeding white tigers for a living and carving elaborate bas-relief sculptures in the cliffs with his fists. He is also caring for a set of septuplets, and we see a cheerful montage of RAMBO and the kids playing catch, cooking together, etc. They are identical septuplets, and all look exactly like a MacGyver-era Richard Dean Anderson -- which is odd, as they're only eight years old, and four of them are girls.

As the montage ends, we see the septuplets sitting on the ground in a semicircle, gazing up in adoration as RAMBO teaches them how to make a fully functional speedboat using only a single sheet of cunningly folded newspaper. Just as he's about to start up the boat, an overhead skylight bursts (which is odd, since they're outdoors at the moment) and THE GENERAL bungee-jumps into frame.

"Thank god I've found you, Rambo," THE GENERAL says. "The world needs your help!"

"The only people who need my help, General, are these kids," RAMBO replies. "After my brother Rimbo died in that skeet-bowling accident, I swore I'd raise his seven identical children as my own. And that's just what I intend to do."

"If you don't help us, Rambo, the only thing you'll be raising is a set of identical -- um -- sept...deadlets. Septdeadlets." THE GENERAL looks unsatisfied, but he can't think of anything wittier.

"You don't mean--" RAMBO gasps.

"Yes," says THE GENERAL. "Your brother Rimbo's death was no accident. He was assassinated by your old enemy: Merlin!"


Monday, April 30, 2012



Heartbroken in Hoboken asks: RAMBO, I have a crush on an older girl at school. She's so beautiful, and I know she's well out of my league. I can't help daydreaming about her, but I was sure she didn't even know I existed. That is until the other day when I overheard she and her friends talking about me and giggling. I have a slight speech impediment, and they were making fun of me, imitating me and so on. I know I should move on, because the object of my affection has turned out to be cruel and shallow, but what can I do? I'm still fixated on her! How can I get over the heartache, RAMBO?

That's rough, heartbroken. I remember this guy I knew in Nam. No more than a kid, really. He would always talk about how when he got back home, he was going to take his Army money and buy a convertible Chevy. Drive it down Route 66 with the top down. He was always laughing and joking, always the clown. Then came the Tet Offensive. He survived, but something inside him died. I never heard him laugh again. He never got that Chevy. Last I heard, he was still in Saigon, playing Russian roulette for money. He never came home, but who can blame him? Can you ever really come home from something like that?

Girls sure are a mystery!
Ever faithful,

Thursday, April 26, 2012

Reading RAMBO

Hey, folks. This week we've got a special edition of Reading RAMBO: A story assignment. Here's how it works: Below the jump, I'll provide you with the beginning of a RAMBO plot. Your mission: Pick up the story where I left off. Send your submissions here. The best ones will find a place on the site!

Monday, April 23, 2012



Guilt-ridden in Grand Rapids asks: RAMBO, I can still see their faces. Hear their screams. Anyone who tells you killing from above as you scream over the Vietnamese jungle in an F-14 is easy is a liar. Have you ever strafed anyone with a 50-cal? All that's left is a reddish mist, and the knowledge that you can never be certain if they were friend or foe. How can I make the nightmares stop, RAMBO? How?

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

The Gore You Know...


As you know, Wednesday is traditionally Reading RAMBO day. But alas, we have not received any submissions this week! Could it be that you've all been beaten into timid submission by the sheer literary force of our previous Reading RAMBO entries? Nevertheless, we have faith in you. Somewhere out there there's a RAMBO sequel gestating that will shake the very foundations of existence when it's finally born. Could it be yours? Email us here.
In the meantime, howzabout some sweet, sweet RAMBO fast facts?

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

The Art of War

Today's Art of War is once again brought to you courtesy of our upcoming RAMBO cartoon. Here's another small taste ahead of the world premiere of RAMBO XVI. Make sure to tune in on Thursday. It's going to explode your eyeballs.