Thursday, May 3, 2012

Reading RAMBO

Okay, RAMBO lovers, last week we gave you the beginning of a RAMBO story and asked you to finish it for us. Our entry this week comes from Adam Martin, and it will blow your eyeballs through the back of your skull. And remember, if you have a Reading RAMBO submission, email us here.

To refresh your memory, we'll reprint the beginning of the story below. Adam's contribution begins after the jump.

Rambo XX: Murderbots from Beyond the 5th Dimension

As the movie opens, RAMBO is living high in the Himalayas, breeding white tigers for a living and carving elaborate bas-relief sculptures in the cliffs with his fists. He is also caring for a set of septuplets, and we see a cheerful montage of RAMBO and the kids playing catch, cooking together, etc. They are identical septuplets, and all look exactly like a MacGyver-era Richard Dean Anderson -- which is odd, as they're only eight years old, and four of them are girls.

As the montage ends, we see the septuplets sitting on the ground in a semicircle, gazing up in adoration as RAMBO teaches them how to make a fully functional speedboat using only a single sheet of cunningly folded newspaper. Just as he's about to start up the boat, an overhead skylight bursts (which is odd, since they're outdoors at the moment) and THE GENERAL bungee-jumps into frame.

"Thank god I've found you, Rambo," THE GENERAL says. "The world needs your help!"

"The only people who need my help, General, are these kids," RAMBO replies. "After my brother Rimbo died in that skeet-bowling accident, I swore I'd raise his seven identical children as my own. And that's just what I intend to do."

"If you don't help us, Rambo, the only thing you'll be raising is a set of identical -- um -- sept...deadlets. Septdeadlets." THE GENERAL looks unsatisfied, but he can't think of anything wittier.

"You don't mean--" RAMBO gasps.

"Yes," says THE GENERAL. "Your brother Rimbo's death was no accident. He was assassinated by your old enemy: Merlin!"