Thursday, March 29, 2012

ROCKY of the Month

This week begins a new feature on RAMBO of the Week. The last Thursday of every month, I'll be taking a break from RAMBO sequels to focus on the next best thing: ROCKY sequels. Enjoy the inaugural edition of ROCKY of the Month! 

Rocky VII: Rockando Spinoza Alfonsini Credenza Balboa III

As the film opens, it has been 10 years since ROCKY's last taste of glory. He is destitute, living in a homeless shelter and has had to pawn his skeleton for food. Moreover, Adrian has come back from the dead, divorced ROCKY, taken away their adult children and subsequently died again.

Wednesday, March 28, 2012


This week's reader submitted RAMBO comes to us by way of Kyle Stoeckig. I'm especially fond of the appearance of Dabney Coleman. Thanks Kyle!

RAMBO: First Blood Part III: The Right to Bare Arms

Writers note: This film uses the title structure as was outlined in the second RAMBO movie. Also, “bare” is not a typo as it refers to RAMBO'S insistence on never wearing a shirt.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

The Art of War

This week we have a submission from Di Stevens. Now, she sent this mind-bendingly insane pic under the hypothesis that this could be RAMBO's cat, Great Chief Crushfang. While that's entirely possible, I have another theory ...

 Look at that thing! If you stare into its eyes, you will see the exact moment and manner of your death. That, friends, is the physical embodiment of lunatic terror. Could it be that this is the titular beast from RAMBO VII: Night of the Were-Tiger? I think it is someone's duty to create a poster for RAMBO VII using this pic.

Monday, March 26, 2012



Note: This week's Ask RAMBO comes to us by way of the inimitable Jesse Carey, and I for one hope his contribution becomes a regular occurrence. Thanks, Jesse!

Pet Regret in Tulsa asks: RAMBO, My wife and I recently adopted a puppy from a local pound. He’s really cute and friendly. But now, he’s starting to eat all my shoes, have accidents all over our house, and he barks all night. I think we made a mistake. Does it make us bad people if we return the puppy to the pound?

Good to hear from you, Pet Regret. This is a tough one. I still hear their screams. To this day, I tell myself we were just taking orders, just doing what we were told to do. But when you’re the one raining down fiery death from the deck of an Apache helicopter, you know that at the end of your life there are no generals or politicians to answer. Only yourself. The stench of napalm and sounds of the inferno created by your hands are no ones’ nightmares but your own. And they always will be.

I love puppies!
With affection,

Sunday, March 25, 2012

RAMBO's regret


Sorry everybody for missing this week's My RAMBO of the Week post. Unfortunately, I have yet to receive a submission from someone putting themselves forward as RAMBO of the Week. Plenty of RAMBO plots, a smattering of RAMBO artwork, but no one willing to put a hand up and claim the title. Remember, all I ask is that you tell me a story about how you absolutely owned your week. It can be funny, heartfelt or dramatic, but it must be true. There's still a $20 Amazon gift card up for grabs for the winner. Email me submissions here, or feel RAMBO's wrath.

Thursday, March 22, 2012


RAMBO XIII: The Beast of 10,000 Faces

The film opens on the London Olympics, and we see a leotard-wearing RAMBO who appears to be warming up for a gymnastics floor routine.

"And now RAMBO prepares for his final routine, which will decide the overall gold medal for the entire Olympics," an announcer says in voiceover.

RAMBO takes a few deep breaths, then begins to run across the floor. He turns several back handsprings and shoots into the air. The camera follows him upward as he grabs a parallel bar on which he turns several revolutions before releasing and somersaulting through the air once again. As he does, he pulls a bow seemingly from nowhere and shoots a bullseye as he flies past a target. Still flying through the air, RAMBO produces a shotgun with which he blasts several clay pigeons that come whizzing into frame. As he reaches the peak of his jump, a basketball hoop appears. RAMBO pulls two basketballs from behind his back, jams them through the hoop and shatters the backboard before beginning his descent. Falling toward earth, he hurls a discus, hammer and javelin offscreen in rapid succession, then twists, flips and quintuple gainers his way into a pool without making a splash.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012


This week's reader-submitted RAMBO comes courtesy of Justin Whittinghill. Seriously, this RAMBO sequel is so monumentally amazing it defies logic. If, after reading, you find you are bleeding from your ears, do not panic. This is a normal reaction.

RAMBO XXXI: Bride of Midnight

The film opens with RAMBO seated at a grand piano, center-stage in an empty concert hall.  He wears a sleeveless tuxedo and alternates between playing phrases of a concerto and scribbling notes on a sheet of staff paper.  The camera reveals that RAMBO is playing with only his index fingers, yet the music heard is richly polyphonic and oddly includes a full woodwind section. 

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

The Art of War

Another entry this week, from Ryan Smith. As I said on Thursday, Ryan produced the poster for The Skeleton Army of Dr. Mephistopheles and then challenged me to write the accompanying RAMBO sequel. I only hope RAMBO XII: The Skeleton Army of Dr. Mephistopheles did this poster justice.

Monday, March 19, 2012



Agitated in Atlanta asks: I've been working at the same company for 12 years now. I work hard, contribute, and offer innovative solutions to the challenges we face. For about six months now, my manager has been grooming me for a promotion. Well, last week the owner of my company promoted his nephew -- a shiftless slob who only got the job as a favour -- and left me out in the cold! My manager is sympathetic, but there's nothing she can do. I am so fed up! Should I bite my tongue and learn to live with it, or quit?

That's a doozy, Agitated. I still remember as I snuck up behind the sentry, careful to control my breathing and keep the underbrush from rustling around me, I felt a moment of hesitation. This man had never wronged me. He was, like me, a soldier following orders. A nameless cog in the dread machine of distant geopolitical interests which ground so many of us to dust. I chose that day not to listen to the shrill voice in my head crying, "Don't do this, RAMBO! Turn back now, and become a man of peace!" As I slid my knife across his throat, I felt the hot, sticky flow of his very life's essence staining my hands. Somehow I knew immediately no soap would ever wash away that stain. Some things never wash away.

Hope that job works out!
All my love,

Friday, March 16, 2012

My RAMBO of the Week


It's Friday, and thus begins a new segment for RAMBO of the Week: My RAMBO of the Week. Every week, we'll take a moment out of the utter absurdity to highlight someone who's been a champion for a good cause, lived life to the full or otherwise acted in a RAMBO-esque fashion. If you feel you've been RAMBO of your week, and totally owned life in one way or another, send me your story here. The stories can be heartfelt, ridiculous, dramatic or inspiring, but they must be true. Each week I'll pick the best story to run on the site. On offer for next week's winner is a $20 Amazon gift card.

This week's RAMBO of the Week is Damien Mander.

Thursday, March 15, 2012


RAMBO XII: The Skeleton Army of Dr. Mephistopheles

Note: Thanks to Ryan Smith for the title of this edition of RAMBO of the Week. Tune in on Tuesday to see Ryan's poster for The Skeleton Army of Dr. Mephistopheles.

The film opens with THE GENERAL walking up a steep, winding staircase cut into the side of a mountain. He climbs to the top to find an enormous Buddhist temple situated at the precipice. He is met there by a Shaolin monk.

"Where is he?" THE GENERAL asks.

The Shaolin monk takes THE GENERAL by the arm and leads him into the temple, stopping at the doorway and prostrating himself. RAMBO is in the centre of the temple, eyes tightly closed, legs crossed in the Lotus Position. He is levitating several feet off the ground.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012


Every Wednesday, I'll be highlighting the best reader submitted RAMBO plots in the new feature, READING RAMBO. This week's submission comes from Cameron Mefford, who has written a RAMBO of such towering glory that even the bravest of men shall shrink at the sight of it. Well done, Cameron. If you want to submit a RAMBO, email me here.

RAMBO XXVII: The Dawn of the Phoenix

 The Movie opens with RAMBO bench pressing a freight train in the middle of the Sahara Desert.  Each time he lifts the train we hear an eagle screech.  We hear RAMBO say, "Nine-million nine-hundred ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-nine ... ten million. Now that I've warmed up it's time to start my workout."

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

RAMBO of the minute: All the RAMBO news you need


IGN reports that Sylvester Stallone is already hard at work on Rambo V, which is tipped to focus on RAMBO fighting Mexican drug cartels. Now, this would usually be great news. After all, the more RAMBO the world is exposed to, the more evildoers will think twice before following through on their fiendish plots. There's only one problem: RAMBO V has already been written, and it's about saving orphans and RAMBO's comeback as a Major League pitcher. I've already done the work for you, Sly. Tell you what: You can take RAMBO V: Revenge of the Wizard's Cloak. It's a freebie. A gift in return for all you've given the world. But from here on out, I expect to be consulted on these things.

The Art of War

As RAMBO of the Week is now a daily blog, I decree that Tuesdays shall be set aside for RAMBO fan art (assuming I get some). Today's RAMBO of the Week masterpieces come to us from Ryan Smith, who has made official posters for what would have been two of the highest-grossing films of all time. Get with the plan, Hollywood!

Monday, March 12, 2012


Take that, questions!

Note: Hey guys. Now that Rambo of the Week has begun in earnest, I'm going to endeavour to update it on a daily basis. Thursday will continue to be the official Rambo of the Week day, with other days devoted to your submissions, RAMBO news, and regular features. With that said, I hereby christen Mondays "Ask RAMBO" day. Send RAMBO your most difficult conundrums and life decisions, and he will offer you advice only RAMBO is qualified to give.

Thursday, March 8, 2012

RAMBO XI: Tyler Perry's Rambo XI

Note: Tyler Perry is in no way involved in the production of this film.

As the film opens, THE GENERAL is walking down a futuristic hallway. We can tell it is futuristic by the strings of LED lights on the walls and its sparse industrial look. He is met by a man in a lab coat.

"Thank you for coming, great-great-grandson of The General," the man says.

"There's no time to waste," says the man we now know to be THE GENERAL's descendant (but who, for brevity's sake, we will refer to as THE GENERAL). "Take me to him."

The two walk down the hall to what appears to be an operating theatre, where they meet a man in a wizard outfit and poorly glued-on beard.

"Great-great-grandson of The General, this is ..."

THE GENERAL cuts him off.

"I know who he is. There's not a person alive who doesn't know Merlin, the greatest scientist in the world," THE GENERAL says.