Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Every Wednesday, I'll be highlighting the best reader submitted RAMBO plots in the new feature, READING RAMBO. This week's submission comes from Cameron Mefford, who has written a RAMBO of such towering glory that even the bravest of men shall shrink at the sight of it. Well done, Cameron. If you want to submit a RAMBO, email me here.
RAMBO XXVII: The Dawn of the Phoenix
The Movie opens with RAMBO bench pressing a freight train in the middle of the Sahara Desert. Each time he lifts the train we hear an eagle screech. We hear RAMBO say, "Nine-million nine-hundred ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-nine ... ten million. Now that I've warmed up it's time to start my workout."
The GENERAL flies onto the screen wearing a jetpack, and the strings holding him aloft are clearly visible.
"Rambo, it's happened again." The GENERAL says soberly.
"You mean..." RAMBO starts.
"Yes, mole people have taken over Mars and are holding the US ambassador hostage," The GENERAL finishes.
"With your help, never again," The GENERAL says
"That was the old me. I promised myself I would never go down that road again, and nothing you say will change my mind," RAMBO says.
"Rambooooo!" The GENERAL whines.
"Well, OK." RAMBO, who has still been holding the train this whole time throws it into the air and out of sight.
"Thank you RAMBO, and to show you how thankful I am I have prepared a team for you. Rambo, meet the Avengers." The GENERAL says. The camera pans over to reveal the Avengers, who have appeared out of nowhere.
RAMBO sticks out his hand and makes a thumbs down motion. A hole opens in the earth and the Avengers fall in as fire belches out of the fissure. The hole then closes.
"Avenge that," RAMBO says.
The GENERAL, seemingly oblivious to the scene that just took place says "But RAMBO! How will you get to Mars?"
"I've already taken care of that." As he says this a rocket ship falls from the sky with a freight-train shaped hole punched through the middle. Seconds later the train crashes back to earth.
RAMBO gets in the rocket, the hole mysteriously gone, finds a mini-gun on the floor, shoots the train with it, which explodes, and launches the rocket into space.
The rocket crash lands and RAMBO steps into a mile wide crater in the middle of a southeast Asian jungle. RAMBO is wearing a space helmet, no shirt and has his red bandana over the helmet. A caption at the bottom of the screen reads "MARS". As soon as he steps out of the rocket it explodes.
RAMBO spends the next 60 minutes shooting militiamen who are all wearing dark sunglasses, because, as everyone knows mole people's eyes can't stand the sunlight.
RAMBO continues mercilessly slaughtering the "mole people". Finally, he sees a mole person who is fatally wounded trying to get away.
"Halt!" RAMBO yells, and time immediately freezes. He grabs the injured mole person by the lapels.
"Who do you work for?!". RAMBO yells this with such power that it cracks the glass in the mole person's sunglasses and breaks both his arms.
"I don't know! I just know that he lives over there! Please don't hurt me!" the mole man pleads.
Without answering, RAMBO drop kicks the mole person. He flies in a high arc into a hole labelled "Bottomless pit".
"Looks like I got a mole in one," RAMBO quips.
RAMBO looks to his left and the camera pans to reveal a huge Medieval castle, lightning dramatically flashing behind it.
RAMBO runs up to the castle, shoots it with an RPG and goes inside.
He finds the Ambassador chained to a wall. As he goes to release him, a bat flies into the room.
The bat morphs into a man and RAMBO exclaims "Dracula!"
"Dracula" speaks with a ridiculously broad Eastern European accent and wears obviously wax vampire fangs.
"Ves, VAMBO! It is I! Bleh!" Dracula replies. "Vou may have vaved vhe Vambassador, vut vou vill vever vefeat ve!"
RAMBO just laughs and says "I don't have time for this". He hurls a ten foot wooden stake through Dracula's heart, pinning him to the wall. Naturally, Dracula explodes.
RAMBO unchains the Ambassador, who shakes his hand.
"Thanks, Rambo! How'd you like to be King of Mars?" the Ambassador says.
Before RAMBO can answer, an anonymous young man approaches.
"Way to go, Rambo," the young man says. " I don't know how you did it, but you managed to save the Ambassador!"
"That's right," RAMBO replies. "And I also figured out that this was all a dream within a dream."
The camera zooms in on a spinning top and the screen goes black.
As the credits roll, the song TNT by AC/DC plays along with an endless loop of the scene from Iron Man where he shoots a tank with a missile.