Thursday, March 8, 2012

RAMBO XI: Tyler Perry's Rambo XI

Note: Tyler Perry is in no way involved in the production of this film.

As the film opens, THE GENERAL is walking down a futuristic hallway. We can tell it is futuristic by the strings of LED lights on the walls and its sparse industrial look. He is met by a man in a lab coat.

"Thank you for coming, great-great-grandson of The General," the man says.

"There's no time to waste," says the man we now know to be THE GENERAL's descendant (but who, for brevity's sake, we will refer to as THE GENERAL). "Take me to him."

The two walk down the hall to what appears to be an operating theatre, where they meet a man in a wizard outfit and poorly glued-on beard.

"Great-great-grandson of The General, this is ..."

THE GENERAL cuts him off.

"I know who he is. There's not a person alive who doesn't know Merlin, the greatest scientist in the world," THE GENERAL says.

"Thank you, great-great grandson of The General," Merlin replies, shaking his hand. "You flatter me. But there are some problems even the world's greatest scientist can't solve, even though it's 5,000 YEARS IN THE FUTURE."

He says this last bit while looking directly into the camera.

"Yes, back when my great-great grandfather, The General, had Rambo frozen, he knew we might need him now, 5,000 years in the future," THE GENERAL says. "But you say you don't know how to unfreeze him?"

"I've tried everything," Merlin replies mournfully.

The camera pans over to show RAMBO, encased in a block of ice which is sitting unrefrigerated in the middle of the room. He is holding M-16s in each hand and an impossibly large survival knife is clenched between his teeth.

"There's only one thing I can think of," THE GENERAL says. "It's a secret which has been passed down from my great-great grandfather, The General."

He leans close to the block of ice, his lips nearly touching it, and whispers in the direction of RAMBO's ear.

"America," he says softly.

The opening strains of Black Sabbath's "Iron Man" are heard as the room begins to shake. Suddenly, the ice block explodes and RAMBO emerges, riding on a griffin.

"Did someone say my name?" he quips with a grin as he dismounts.

Merlin and THE GENERAL cheer.

"Thank God, Rambo! You're here, 5,000 years in the future, but so is your old foe, Robot Stalin," THE GENERAL says. "We need your help, but even you can't take on Robot Stalin alone. Meet your new partner, That One Dude From Predator!"

THE GENERAL gestures toward the door, and Carl Weathers enters dressed in sleeveless combat fatigues.

"What do you say, Rambo?" he asks. "Partners?"

Carl Weathers and RAMBO clasp hands and the camera closes in on their rippling biceps.

After a moment of this, RAMBO rips Carl Weathers' arm from its socket, and graphically beats him to death with it in an incredibly protracted and disturbing scene.

"I work alone," he says, tossing the arm aside.

"OK, Rambo," THE GENERAL says, apparently oblivious to the grisly scene which has just played out. "Robot Stalin and his army are on their base on the Sun. They're designing a laser capable of destroying democracy and making people not love America. You have to go right away."

The scene cuts to RAMBO running bare chested and at full-speed up Mt. Everest. He reaches the summit and raises his arms above his head.

"DRAAAAAAAGOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!" he screams, apropos of nothing.

RAMBO then calmly peers upward toward the Sun.

"There's only one way to get to the Sun from here," he says.

The scene cuts again to a steamy Southeast Asian jungle. A caption appears at the bottom of the screen reading, "The Sun". Suddenly, a 1976 Chevy El Camino power slides into the frame, screeching to a halt and throwing RAMBO through the driver's side window. It explodes behind him as he flies through the jungle firing two rocket launchers that are somehow fully automatic. The scene does quick cuts between RAMBO flying through the air firing off RPGs and the same Quonset hut exploding about a dozen times. Finally, RAMBO lands.

"Now to save America," he says.

RAMBO spends the next 45 minutes running through the jungle, killing militiamen. However, this being the future, the militiamen are all wearing ski goggles, moon boots and have forearms covered in tin foil. Also, whenever RAMBO shoots them, they explode into a poorly animated shower of pixels a la Tron.

RAMBO finally makes his way to a garden shed bearing a crudely painted sign reading "Robot Stalin's Lair". He enters to find Robot Stalin, who is not so much a robot as a human with an assortment of circuit boards and wires hot glued to his costume.

"You'll never win, Rambo!" Robot Stalin cries. "Once I fire my laser, no one will love America anymore."

"You've forgotten your fatal weakness," RAMBO says with a smirk. "The ghost of George Washington."

RAMBO thrusts his hands forward as Robot Stalin screams. A man wearing a sheet and a powdered wig enters from offscreen carrying an American flag, which he tosses to RAMBO. RAMBO uses the flag as a whip, handily decapitating Robot Stalin.

RAMBO and Ghost George Washington high-five.

"Remember, Rambo," I may have to go back to heaven, but I'll always be with you … right here," Washington says, pointing to RAMBO's heart, before disappearing in a puff of smoke.

An anonymous young man approaches and places a hand on RAMBO's shoulder.

"You never cease to amaze me, Rambo," he says. "Not only did you beat Robot Stalin, but you managed to help that rag-tag group of kids save their summer camp from those greedy land developers."

"I couldn't have done it without my best friend … America," RAMBO says.

Fade to black.

Note: During the credits, we see a variety of still photos of RAMBO and a rag-tag group of campers participating in various outdoor activities, all set to the tune of Kenny Loggins' "I'm Alright".

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