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Wednesday, April 11, 2012

READING RAMBO


This week's READING RAMBO submission comes to us from Cameron Mefford, author of the very first READING RAMBO. Once again, you're in for a story of such towering awesomeness that it should be packaged with anti-head-explosion pills.


RAMBO XXXVII: Tomb of the Medusa Stone 

As the film opens, we see RAMBO sitting in in a dense armchair made out of the bones of his enemies, petting a Bengal tiger. He sits in a room filled with piles of jewels and gold coins. He is wearing a silk robe and a golden crown.


Suddenly, THE GENERAL appears in the doorway -- a doorway that until then wasn't even there. 

"Senator Rambo!" THE GENERAL says. "The day we've feared since your coronation has finally come." 

"You don't mean...?" RAMBO says. 

"Yes, robotic dragons are invading New York City and have kidnapped the president's daughter." 

"But that means..." says RAMBO

"Yes," THE GENRAL replies. "Everyone on Earth will shrink to the size of ants. You've got to help!" 

"I'm sorry, but I don't do that kind of work anymore," RAMBO replies. 

"I was hoping I wouldn't be the one to tell you this, but Rambo ... they got Bobby."

"NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!" RAMBO screams, and punches a wall, which explodes. It's important to note that we have no idea who Bobby is and have never met him before. 

Suddenly, an army of samurai descend from a hole in the roof and attack RAMBO.


"Now will you help me?" THE GENERAL cries. 

RAMBO, suddenly shirtless and wearing a red bandana, says, "I'll help -- but I'm not doing this for you. I'm doing it for Bobby." 

THE GENRAL is suddenly gone and RAMBO is on a chopper. RAMBO pulls a wheelie on the chopper, leaving a flaming trail behind him. The motorcycle suddenly sprouts bat wings and flies into the distance.


We cut to a dense Southeast Asian jungle, but a caption reads "New York City, Present Day." RAMBO comes roaring into frame and leaps from his motorcycle.

For the next 45 minutes, RAMBO kills militiamen using nothing but the bodies of the men he has already killed, having killed the first with a department store mannequin he apparently brought with him. As this is happening, Queen's "Another One Bites The Dust" is playing. It is important to note that we never see a robotic dragon.

After RAMBO has killed every single one of the men, he comes across a large river. RAMBO uses the pile of corpses to make a bridge and get across. As soon as he steps off the bridge, it explodes.

RAMBO then walks into a hut that seemingly appeared from nowhere and a silhouette appears.

"Well done, Rambo. You managed to get this far. It impresses me, though only slightly." says the man.

"Joseph Stalin. I should have guessed you were behind this," RAMBO replies.


"Game over, Rambo!" Stalin yells. He suddenly grows to 300 feet tall and steps on RAMBO

There is a dramatic pause and the camera zooms in on Stalin's foot. 

After a moment, RAMBO pushes Stalin's foot upward. 

"Sorry Joseph," he says. "Looks like I'll be Stalin your plans." 

RAMBO then lifts Stalin into the air and throws him into the horizon. We hear an explosion off screen.

RAMBO then re-enters the hut and we see a girl -- whom we are to assume is the president's daughter -- chained to a wall. RAMBO rescues the girl and is approached by an anonymous young man. 

"Great job Rambo! You managed to stop Stalin, save the president's daughter -- and your novel is now the number-one best seller!"


Keep in mind we have never seen RAMBO write anything, at all.

As the credits roll, we're treated to a montage of RAMBO shooting people and them exploding as The Carpenters sing "We've Only Just Begun".


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