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Friday, April 6, 2012

RAMBO OF THE WEEK

RAMBO XIV: My Dinner With RAMBO

Editor's note: Sorry about the missed posts this week, Rambo lovers! Computer problems have held me up, but never fear; guest admin Ryan Smith is now posting material for me. So without further ado, here's this week's RAMBO of the Week!

The film opens in a darkened art studio, illuminated only by the occasional flash of lightning. In the centre of the studio, RAMBO stands regarding a gigantic slab of marble.

"The Smithsonian wants this sculpture by Tuesday," he says aloud, in a bit of very forced exposition. "I guess I better get to work."

RAMBO begins to punch the slab of marble, knocking away chunks until it is slowly transformed into a life-sized statue of RAMBO sitting atop a horse.

"Now to add the finishing touches," he says.

RAMBO cups his hands around his mouth, and screams, "RAAAAAAAAMMMMBOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" As he does, he emits crudely animated sonic waves. The statue begins to shake, lightning flashes and both horse and rider suddenly come to life.

The RAMBO statue dismounts, and he and RAMBO spend the next three-and-a-half hours in an elaborately choreographed fist-fight. It should be noted that, rather than using clever editing techniques to portray two RAMBOs on screen simultaneously, the filmmakers have chosen to cast a perilously out-of-shape Frank Stallone in the role of the RAMBO statue. 


The fight scene often grinds to a halt as Frank places his hands on his knees and emits a wet, hacking cough and an obviously concerned RAMBO slaps him on the back.

Having finally fought to a draw, the two RAMBOs shake hands, laugh and light cigars the size of chair legs. As the two RAMBOs share a smoke, THE GENERAL enters. He seems in no way surprised by the sudden appearance of another, dumpier RAMBO, or the horse which stands idly in the background.

"Thank God I found you, Rambos," he says. "The world desperately needs your help."

"What the world desperately needs, General, is a greater appreciation for Hellenic sculpture, and I intend to give it to them," the original RAMBO replies.

"Without your help, Rambos, the only thing you'll be sculpting for them is coffins," THE GENERAL says soberly.

"That can only mean one thing," RAMBO cries.

"Yes," THE GENERAL answers. "Eco-terrorists have stolen Genghis Khan's mummy and are trying to bring it back to life using voodoo."

"I knew it," RAMBO says.

"Then you know you'll have to find the mythical sword of Osiris to stop them," THE GENERAL says.


"Of course, but that means I'll have to leave for the ancient Mayan ruins right away," RAMBO replies.

"But how will you get there in time?" THE GENERAL asks. "Even that horse you carved isn't fast enough to get you to the Mayan ruins before the eco-terrorists perform their ceremony."

"No," RAMBO says. "But I know another way."

With this, he grabs Frank Stallone and forcibly jams him feet-first into the horse's head, and the two fuse to become a rather disturbing Centaur. RAMBO climbs aboard the beast. "Hi-yo, Centaur, away!" he screams, and gallops out of the shot.

We cut to a local that is clearly supposed to be the Southeast Asian jungle, although a caption reads, "The jungles of Mexico." The whole thing actually gets pretty meta, since the movie is almost certainly filmed in the jungles of Mexico, doubling for the jungles of Southeast Asia. But before we have time to reflect on that, RAMBO enters the shot, now inexplicably riding in a jet-powered hovercraft and wielding a fully-automatic longbow that fires flaming hatchets.


RAMBO storms through the jungle for the next 45 minutes, slaughtering militiamen in the most graphically horrible ways possible. It should be noted, however, that at no point does he encounter any Mayan ruins or make use of anything that could be called a "sword of Osiris."

Finally, he makes his way to a bamboo hut and bursts inside. Waiting there is a suavely evil Jeremy Irons, who chuckles ominously. 

"Well done, Rambo," he says. "You've fought your way through my hordes admirably. However, you're too late. I've already reanimated the greatest warrior who ever lived!"

"You mean--" RAMBO begins.

"Yes," Jeremy Irons replies. He glances over his shoulder and calls out, "Khan!"


A door behind Irons opens and Genghis Khan bursts through in full battle regalia. It should be noted that he is portrayed by the same actor who played the role in Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure.


Irons laughs maniacally. "And now, Rambo, you've at last met your master!" he cackles. "Even you, with all your great skill, cannot possibly defeat the legendary Genghis Khan! And so your long, tortured journey finally ends in ignominious defeat! I simply hope you live long enough to feel the shame of--"

"You were saying?" RAMBO's voice asks from offscreen.

We cut over to see RAMBO standing over the fully-skeletonized body of Genghis Khan. The skeleton is horribly mangled, and perhaps smoldering. RAMBO is casually picking his teeth with a femur. 

"But how--?" Irons begins, and RAMBO hurls the femur into his skull. Irons drops to the ground, twitching.

"Looks like I got a Mong-GOLE in one!" RAMBO quips. Then he cringes; even he thinks it's a reach.
An anonymous young man suddenly enters the hut. "Congratulations, Rambo!" he says. Not only did you defeat Genghis Khan, but you got an A on your oral history report! The future is saved!"


RAMBO grins and gives a thumbs-up to the camera. Freeze frame and roll credits.

Note: During the credits, the audience is treated to a montage of archive footage of explosions, set to the theme song from Family Ties.


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