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Thursday, April 12, 2012

RAMBO OF THE WEEK

RAMBO XV: The Legend of Curly's Gold 

As the film opens, we learn that RAMBO has set about forming an all-star, perfectly multi-ethnic dance crew to compete in the world street dance championships. We watch him travel from country to country, recruiting wildly stereotypical dancers by winning their loyalty in a series of dance-offs. Appallingly, the characters are all named after their stereotypical traits.




One day, as RAMBO dances alone in an abandoned sawmill, he is approached by a member of his crew, a young African American man. 

"Rambo, we're in trouble," the young man says. "The Kobra Kai Krew has a new dance routine that's OFF DA HOOOOOOK! The championships are only three days away! What are we going to do?" 

"There's only one thing we can do, Street Wise Black Guy," RAMBO replies. "Ghost ride the whip." 

The scene cuts to RAMBO performing an elaborate dance routine on the hood of a tricked out Subaru Impreza as it idles down a street. The camera pans to his right to reveal THE GENERAL dancing beside him. 

"Rambo, your country needs you," THE GENERAL says, still dancing. 

"I'll tell you who needs me, General," RAMBO replies. "Down on their luck kids whose only chance at a better life is through the power of dance." 

"If you don't help us, Rambo, the only things those kids will be dancing on is their own graves," THE GENERAL replies. 

"You don't mean ..." 

"That's right, Rambo," THE GENERAL says. "Your evil identical twin brother has returned."

"Godzilla!" RAMBO says, clenching his fist in anger. 

"Yes, and he's taken over the Empire State Building. He says if we don't give into his demand, he'll level the country with a nuclear device." 

"Demand?" RAMBO asks. 

"He only has one: He wants you dead, Rambo," THE GENERAL says. 

"I'll die before I let that happen," RAMBO replies. He and THE GENERAL stand in silence for a moment, uncomfortably looking from side to side as the incomprehensibility of the statement sinks in. After an awkward silence, THE GENERAL finally speaks. 

"Yes ... ahem ... well, how will you make it into the Empire State Building without Godzilla knowing?" 

"The only way I know how," RAMBO says. "Dance!"

He then points his fist heavenward and shoots into the air, as an animated rainbow trail follows him. 

"Rambo, away!" he cries. 

The scene cuts to a steamy, Southeast Asian jungle, while a caption reads "Empire State Building." RAMBO moonwalks into the frame firing off twin miniguns. He spends the next 45 minutes slaughtering militiamen while dancing through the jungle. All the while, the chorus of "You Should Be Dancing" by the Bee Gees plays on a loop. At one point, he is surrounded by militiamen. He performs a spinning headstand, kicking them in half. 

Finally, RAMBO dances his way to a walled compound labelled "Empire State Building Observation Deck". He enters to find a man in a crude, Halloween dinosaur costume. The man's face is clearly visible through the costume's mouth.

"Hello ... brother," the man says. 

"Hello, Godzilla," RAMBO replies soberly. 

"I suppose we were destined to meet this way. I've dreamt of it since the day you left me imprisoned on that comet," Godzilla says. "You said you would come back for me!" 

"I told you, when I came back the comet had already fallen into that black hole!" RAMBO pleads. 

"Liar!" Godzilla screams. "You've always been the lucky one in the family. Well, today your luck runs out!" 

Suddenly and without explanation, RAMBO is at the controls of an Apache helicopter. He fires a sidewinder missile at Godzilla. We see a brief closeup of Godzilla's shocked face, then cut to footage of the Hindenburg crash over which a still photo Godzilla's head has been poorly superimposed.


RAMBO stands, hands on hips, looking satisfied. There is now no sign of the Apache helicopter. 

"You know what they say: RAMBO always kills his dinosaur twins!" 

He chuckles after this as though he has made some sort of pun. 
An anonymous young man approaches. "You've saved the day again, Rambo," he says. "And your crew won that rumble with The Sharks!"


"I thought it was a dance contest?" RAMBO says. 

"Huh?" the young man replies, as we hastily cut to the credits.

Note:  as the credits roll, we are treated to footage of a Star Trek convention in Des Moines, Iowa, set to Aerosmith's "I Don't Want to Miss a Thing".

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