Wednesday, February 8, 2012

RAMBO VII: Night of the Were-Tiger

As the film begins, RAMBO is speeding around the track at the Indy 500. The scene cuts to the announcer's booth, where the announcer is visibly awed.

"I don't believe this!" the announcer exclaims. "Rambo has just lapped the entire field for the fifth time in a car he built himself out of steel he personally forged!"

We cut back to RAMBO speeding around the track. There are several slow motion shots of RAMBO's car passing different areas on the track, and each time a single dove flies across the screen.

Cut to the interior of the car, where a shirtless RAMBO is seated. The camera pans to his right to reveal THE GENERAL seated next to him. There is no indication as to how he got there, or why RAMBO's Indy car suddenly has a passenger's seat.

"Rambo, I'm afraid your old foe has returned. Your greatest nemesis," THE GENERAL says.

"You don't mean?"

"Yes," THE GENERAL says, gravely. "Hitler. And he's built himself a dinosaur army on his moonbase."

"Then he's more dangerous than ever," RAMBO says. "But I'm afraid I can't help you. I've given up that life."

"Rambo," THE GENERAL says as he places an empathetic hand on RAMBO's shoulder. "He's kidnapped your godson. The President's nephew, Billy. With him gone there will be no one to take the throne when the President dies."

We suddenly see a shot from above where RAMBO stands alone in a field of wheat, raising his arms in the air and screaming, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"

Without explanation, RAMBO and THE GENERAL are back in the Indy car.

"I guess I have no choice. I'm coming for you, Billy," RAMBO says.

RAMBO's Indy car suddenly flies off the track and leaps from the stadium, which explodes behind him. When it lands, it has somehow been transformed into a tank, and THE GENERAL has disappeared. The tank lands in a dense, Southeast Asian jungle. RAMBO steps out of the tank.

"Here I am on the moon," RAMBO says. "Now to find Billy."

RAMBO spends the next 45 minutes killing militiamen as he fights his way through the jungle. It is important to note that a dinosaur army NEVER APPEARS. Finally, he comes upon a walled compound where machine-gun wielding guards sit in a tower.

"I'll have to find a way to sneak in," RAMBO says.

From offscreen, he picks up what turns out to be a Great White Shark, and hurls it at the guard tower, which explodes.

"I'll meet you on the shark side of the moon," RAMBO quips.

He fights his way into the compound, where he finds a small boy we are to assume is Billy chained in a hut. RAMBO frees him, and carries him on his back through the jungle to a waiting helicopter. As he loads Billy into the helicopter, RAMBO is suddenly struck in the back by an arrow. He turns to see a triumphant HITLER holding a compound bow.

"Get Billy out of here!" RAMBO yells to the helicopter pilot.

"What are you gonna do?" the pilot asks.

RAMBO turns to the screen and stares with blazing intensity.

"I'm gonna finish this."

HITLER flees into the jungle, as a gravely wounded RAMBO limps after him. RAMBO loses track of HITLER as they race through the jungle. He finally comes to a clearing, where we hear HITLER's mocking voice echoing.

"You vill never find me among the trees, Rambo!"

Suddenly, the opening strains of Queen's "I Want It All" begin to play. RAMBO pulls the arrow from his back, takes several deep, intense breaths and screams.

As the song crescendos, he claps his hands together, blowing over all the trees in the jungle to reveal HITLER, now clad only in boxer shorts as a result of the shockwave. HITLER gasps as he tries to cover himself, then begins to run away. After a few steps, he jumps and begins to fly.

"Not this time," RAMBO says.

RAMBO unsheaths an enormous machete and hurls it toward HITLER. The machete perfectly bisects HITLER from crotch to head, and the separate halves of his body explode. The machete flies back to RAMBO, who catches it mid-air and returns it to its sheath.

Billy and an anonymous young man walk into the frame. The young man places his hand on RAMBO's shoulder.

"Well, it's official, Rambo," he says. "You've just been elected President of the United States."

RAMBO turns to Billy with a smile.

"Guess we didn't need you after all," he chuckles.

"Awww, nuts!" Billy says, as RAMBO laughs and tousles his hair.

The frame freezes, and Foreigner's "Feels Like the First Time" plays as the credits roll.

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