Thursday, February 23, 2012

RAMBO IX: Laser Space Patrol IV

Note: This week's RAMBO sequel comes to us courtesy of Ryan Smith. Thanks Ryan! If you have a RAMBO sequel to submit, email me here 

As the movie opens, RAMBO is living a secluded life in the Himalayas, making a living as a street corner mime. He even sports the trademark pancake makeup and black-and-white striped shirt; somehow, these only serve to make him even more terrifying. Also, the only thing he can express through mime is violent killing, and he's so intense that spectators' necks are often snapped from as far as twenty feet away.

One day THE GENERAL appears, also dressed as a mime. He begins an elaborate mime routine as subtitles at the bottom of the screen indicate he is communicating with RAMBO
"Rambo, your country needs you," he says through mime.

"My country gave up on me a long time ago," RAMBO replies, also through mime.

"You don't understand," THE GENERAL mimes. "French Canadian separatists have taken over the American embassy."

"All right," RAMBO says at last. "I'll do it ... for Canada." He strips off his mime shirt, revealing an already-oiled torso crisscrossed with ammo bandoliers. When he pulls the shirt over his head, it somehow strips every vestige of paint from his face. Also, he's now wearing his trademark headband.

"I knew I could count on you," says THE GENERAL. "But even you shouldn't take on the French Canadians alone." The camera pans over to reveal Sheriff Will Teasley, RAMBO's nemesis from First Blood. It should be noted that the street was deserted a moment before.

"I know we had our differences in the past, Rambo," Teasley says. "But don't you think we can put them aside? For Canada?" RAMBO stares at Teasley for a long moment. Then Teasley's skull, along with his entire spinal column, shoots out the top of his head like a rocket.

"No," RAMBO says.

"Let's get moving," THE GENERAL says. "We have a helicopter waiting." The camera pans over to reveal a helicopter, its rotors already spinning. Suddenly, and for no apparent reason, the helicopter explodes. "Oh, no," THE GENERAL says. "How will we get to French Canada?"

"No problem," RAMBO says. He picks up one of the helicopter landing struts from the flaming wreckage, sprints forward, and uses the strut to pole-vault out of the frame.

We cut to a locale that is clearly the Vietnamese jungle, although a superimposed caption reads: "French Canada." RAMBO flies in from the top corner of the frame, now inexplicably riding a motorcycle and wielding two M-60 belt-fed machine guns.
Upon making contact with the ground, the motorcycle explodes, hurling RAMBO an additional hundred feet through the air. He does a quadruple backflip while aloft, firing both M-60s the whole way. He sticks the landing and changes the ammo belts. There is a moment of silence. Then, 75 dead militiamen fall from the trees.
RAMBO continues murdering militiamen (all of whom are wearing buttons that read "French Canadian Separatist") for the next 90 minutes. At one point, out of ammo, he stabs a man to death with a Burmese python that he has made rigid by ramming a tree branch down its throat. Also, the python explodes.
Finally, RAMBO reaches a small village. Outside one hut is a crude, hand-lettered sign reading "Amerkicun Ermbalsy" (sic). RAMBO kills the two guards at the door and bursts inside. There he finds a mid-80s-era Alan Rickman holding a gun to the head of a golden retriever puppy.
"Ambassador Gruber? You're behind this?" RAMBO gasps.
"Yes," Gruber replies, and shoots RAMBO.
"As you can see, you've wasted your effort," Gruber sneers as RAMBO collapses. "Even you can't stop me now!"
"Wrong," RAMBO replies. His hand shoots out and clamps around Gruber's ankle, and Gruber's neck immediately and inexplicably snaps. 

Then RAMBO passes his hand over the bullet wound in his chest, healing it.
As he sits there catching his breath, the puppy wanders over and licks his face. "Aww," RAMBO says, picking it up, "You need a home, don't you?" The puppy yaps adorably. RAMBO laughs and gathers the puppy into a hug, and the puppy turns into a stallion.
An anonymous young man approaches, puts his hand on RAMBO's shoulder and points to the horse.
"Looks like you're set to make it twelve Kentucky Derby wins in a row, Rambo," he says.
RAMBO winks, as in the background, Gruber's corpse explodes. Freeze frame as Boston's "More Than A Feeling" plays over the credits.

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