Thursday, May 3, 2012

Reading RAMBO

Okay, RAMBO lovers, last week we gave you the beginning of a RAMBO story and asked you to finish it for us. Our entry this week comes from Adam Martin, and it will blow your eyeballs through the back of your skull. And remember, if you have a Reading RAMBO submission, email us here.

To refresh your memory, we'll reprint the beginning of the story below. Adam's contribution begins after the jump.

Rambo XX: Murderbots from Beyond the 5th Dimension

As the movie opens, RAMBO is living high in the Himalayas, breeding white tigers for a living and carving elaborate bas-relief sculptures in the cliffs with his fists. He is also caring for a set of septuplets, and we see a cheerful montage of RAMBO and the kids playing catch, cooking together, etc. They are identical septuplets, and all look exactly like a MacGyver-era Richard Dean Anderson -- which is odd, as they're only eight years old, and four of them are girls.

As the montage ends, we see the septuplets sitting on the ground in a semicircle, gazing up in adoration as RAMBO teaches them how to make a fully functional speedboat using only a single sheet of cunningly folded newspaper. Just as he's about to start up the boat, an overhead skylight bursts (which is odd, since they're outdoors at the moment) and THE GENERAL bungee-jumps into frame.

"Thank god I've found you, Rambo," THE GENERAL says. "The world needs your help!"

"The only people who need my help, General, are these kids," RAMBO replies. "After my brother Rimbo died in that skeet-bowling accident, I swore I'd raise his seven identical children as my own. And that's just what I intend to do."

"If you don't help us, Rambo, the only thing you'll be raising is a set of identical -- um -- sept...deadlets. Septdeadlets." THE GENERAL looks unsatisfied, but he can't think of anything wittier.

"You don't mean--" RAMBO gasps.

"Yes," says THE GENERAL. "Your brother Rimbo's death was no accident. He was assassinated by your old enemy: Merlin!"


“So will you help us?” asks THE GENERAL, as he hands out cigars to the children.

“I’m doing it,” RAMBO replies, as he stares past THE GENERAL and sees things we can’t even imagine, “for Rimbo.”

“Yeah, whatever,” says THE GENERAL nonchalantly. “You want me to, you know, call in the chopper, or whatever?” THE GENERAL looks slightly disheveled, like he had been interrupted from sleeping off a long night on the town to film this masterpiece of a motion picture.

“No need,” says RAMBO, climbing onto an alpaca. He yanks the beast's ears, and its anus erupts with lasers, sending him hurtling into the sky, accompanied by Judas Priest’s "Breakin’ the Law".

Cut to Southeast Asian jungle, although a caption at the bottom of the screen reads: "Camelot." RAMBO spends the next 45 minutes slaughtering militiamen, who are carrying AK-47’s and wearing fatigues, with his fully-automatic, .50-caliber, eight-foot-long, Scottish claymore.

After fighting his way through the jungle, RAMBO finds his way to a bamboo hut, but right as he’s about to enter, he hears the blood-chilling sound of a shotgun being cocked.

RAMBO whips around to see a Merlin, who is a black man wearing an eye patch and camo pants, holding a young boy at knife-point.

(Writer’s note: it is never mentioned or explained why Merlin, a Medieval Englishman, is black, has an eyepatch, or where the shotgun sound came from.)

“Gasp!” gasps RAMBO, “That’s Lancelot’s nephew! If you kill him, the Magna Carta will never be written!”

“That’s right,” Merlin replies, pushing the boy to the side and brandishing his Ka-bar. “Now I’m gonna kill your ass with magic!”

Merlin lunges with his knife, landing a blow on RAMBO’s groin, with a surprising ‘clank’ sound. Merlin looks slowly up into RAMBO’s face, a look of horror filling his remaining eye. RAMBO takes a step back, reaches into his pants, and pulls out the 155-mm main gun from an M1 Abrams Main Battle Tank.

Rambo says, “Tanks for coming out, folks,” and shoots Merlin in the groin, sending him exploding off the horizon, as Lancelot’s nephew shakes his head at the awful pun.

A random young man runs up from offscreen, pats RAMBO on the back and says, “Well, not only did you defeat Merlin and liberate Zimbabwe, but GE just bought your patent for the combination flat-iron/grilled-cheese-maker; you’re a jillionaire! Now you’ve got enough money to save the animal shelter for sure!”

RAMBO seems not to notice any of this crap, and stares off into the distance so hard, it’s almost painful to watch; his eyes are just bulging out of his veiny face as the shot freezes and the credits roll.

Credits roll to a photo montage of puppies playing, and happy people flat-ironing their hair with grilled cheese sandwiches, set to Queen’s "I am Immortal."

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