The Art of War

Another entry this week, from Ryan Smith. As I said on Thursday, Ryan produced the poster for The Skeleton Army of Dr. Mephistopheles and then challenged me to write the accompanying RAMBO sequel. I only hope RAMBO XII: The Skeleton Army of Dr. Mephistopheles did this poster justice.

Ask RAMBO

TAKE THAT, QUESTIONS!

Agitated in Atlanta asks: I've been working at the same company for 12 years now. I work hard, contribute, and offer innovative solutions to the challenges we face. For about six months now, my manager has been grooming me for a promotion. Well, last week the owner of my company promoted his nephew -- a shiftless slob who only got the job as a favour -- and left me out in the cold! My manager is sympathetic, but there's nothing she can do. I am so fed up! Should I bite my tongue and learn to live with it, or quit?
 
That's a doozy, Agitated. I still remember as I snuck up behind the sentry, careful to control my breathing and keep the underbrush from rustling around me, I felt a moment of hesitation. This man had never wronged me. He was, like me, a soldier following orders. A nameless cog in the dread machine of distant geopolitical interests which ground so many of us to dust. I chose that day not to listen to the shrill voice in my head crying, "Don't do this, RAMBO! Turn back now, and become a man of peace!" As I slid my knife across his throat, I felt the hot, sticky flow of his very life's essence staining my hands. Somehow I knew immediately no soap would ever wash away that stain. Some things never wash away.

Hope that job works out!
All my love,
RAMBO

My RAMBO of the Week

 PWNED!

It's Friday, and thus begins a new segment for RAMBO of the Week: My RAMBO of the Week. Every week, we'll take a moment out of the utter absurdity to highlight someone who's been a champion for a good cause, lived life to the full or otherwise acted in a RAMBO-esque fashion. If you feel you've been RAMBO of your week, and totally owned life in one way or another, send me your story here. The stories can be heartfelt, ridiculous, dramatic or inspiring, but they must be true. Each week I'll pick the best story to run on the site. On offer for next week's winner is a $20 Amazon gift card.

This week's RAMBO of the Week is Damien Mander.

RAMBO OF THE WEEK

RAMBO XII: The Skeleton Army of Dr. Mephistopheles

Note: Thanks to Ryan Smith for the title of this edition of RAMBO of the Week. Tune in on Tuesday to see Ryan's poster for The Skeleton Army of Dr. Mephistopheles.

The film opens with THE GENERAL walking up a steep, winding staircase cut into the side of a mountain. He climbs to the top to find an enormous Buddhist temple situated at the precipice. He is met there by a Shaolin monk.

"Where is he?" THE GENERAL asks.

The Shaolin monk takes THE GENERAL by the arm and leads him into the temple, stopping at the doorway and prostrating himself. RAMBO is in the centre of the temple, eyes tightly closed, legs crossed in the Lotus Position. He is levitating several feet off the ground.

READING RAMBO

Every Wednesday, I'll be highlighting the best reader submitted RAMBO plots in the new feature, READING RAMBO. This week's submission comes from Cameron Mefford, who has written a RAMBO of such towering glory that even the bravest of men shall shrink at the sight of it. Well done, Cameron. If you want to submit a RAMBO, email me here.

RAMBO XXVII: The Dawn of the Phoenix

 The Movie opens with RAMBO bench pressing a freight train in the middle of the Sahara Desert.  Each time he lifts the train we hear an eagle screech.  We hear RAMBO say, "Nine-million nine-hundred ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-nine ... ten million. Now that I've warmed up it's time to start my workout."

RAMBO of the minute: All the RAMBO news you need

TAKE THAT, FOURTH ESTATE!

IGN reports that Sylvester Stallone is already hard at work on Rambo V, which is tipped to focus on RAMBO fighting Mexican drug cartels. Now, this would usually be great news. After all, the more RAMBO the world is exposed to, the more evildoers will think twice before following through on their fiendish plots. There's only one problem: RAMBO V has already been written, and it's about saving orphans and RAMBO's comeback as a Major League pitcher. I've already done the work for you, Sly. Tell you what: You can take RAMBO V: Revenge of the Wizard's Cloak. It's a freebie. A gift in return for all you've given the world. But from here on out, I expect to be consulted on these things.

The Art of War

As RAMBO of the Week is now a daily blog, I decree that Tuesdays shall be set aside for RAMBO fan art (assuming I get some). Today's RAMBO of the Week masterpieces come to us from Ryan Smith, who has made official posters for what would have been two of the highest-grossing films of all time. Get with the plan, Hollywood!