Ask RAMBO

Take that, questions!

Note: Hey guys. Now that Rambo of the Week has begun in earnest, I'm going to endeavour to update it on a daily basis. Thursday will continue to be the official Rambo of the Week day, with other days devoted to your submissions, RAMBO news, and regular features. With that said, I hereby christen Mondays "Ask RAMBO" day. Send RAMBO your most difficult conundrums and life decisions, and he will offer you advice only RAMBO is qualified to give.

RAMBO XI: Tyler Perry's Rambo XI

Note: Tyler Perry is in no way involved in the production of this film.

As the film opens, THE GENERAL is walking down a futuristic hallway. We can tell it is futuristic by the strings of LED lights on the walls and its sparse industrial look. He is met by a man in a lab coat.

"Thank you for coming, great-great-grandson of The General," the man says.

"There's no time to waste," says the man we now know to be THE GENERAL's descendant (but who, for brevity's sake, we will refer to as THE GENERAL). "Take me to him."

The two walk down the hall to what appears to be an operating theatre, where they meet a man in a wizard outfit and poorly glued-on beard.

"Great-great-grandson of The General, this is ..."

THE GENERAL cuts him off.

"I know who he is. There's not a person alive who doesn't know Merlin, the greatest scientist in the world," THE GENERAL says.

RAMBO X: Rambo vs. MechaRambo

The film opens on a winding mountain road. We see the Tour de France peloton arduously making its way up the steep incline. The camera then pans up an impossibly steep and winding grade, where several miles ahead of the other riders we see RAMBO pedaling a modified Harley-Davidson. He seems to be barely exerting any effort as he makes his way up the hill.

"I think it's about time I took a shortcut," RAMBO says.

He veers off the road, and pedals his bike directly up a vertical cliff-face. Below him in the distance, we see the peloton explode.

As RAMBO rides up the cliff, the camera pans over to reveal THE GENERAL sitting in a sidecar which was not attached to RAMBO's bike a moment ago.

"Rambo, I know you're retired, but I've got a mission only you can accomplish," he says.

"No thanks, General," RAMBO replies. "The only mission I'm interested in is bringing honour and repute back to the world of international cycling."

RAMBO IX: Laser Space Patrol IV

Note: This week's RAMBO sequel comes to us courtesy of Ryan Smith. Thanks Ryan! If you have a RAMBO sequel to submit, email me here 

As the movie opens, RAMBO is living a secluded life in the Himalayas, making a living as a street corner mime. He even sports the trademark pancake makeup and black-and-white striped shirt; somehow, these only serve to make him even more terrifying. Also, the only thing he can express through mime is violent killing, and he's so intense that spectators' necks are often snapped from as far as twenty feet away.

RAMBO VIII: The Tears of Atlantis

Uncharacteristically, the film opens on a dusty road leading to a vineyard. We see THE GENERAL pull up in a jeep where he is met by a man we are to assume is the vineyard owner. THE GENERAL steps out as the vineyard owner beckons urgently to him.

"You say he doesn't remember anything?" THE GENERAL asks.

"Not even his own name. He's been here a couple months, but I called you as soon as I found his dogtags," the vineyard owner replies.

"And the motorcycle wreck he was in? It was pretty bad, I take it," THE GENERAL asks.

"You tell me," the vineyard owner says incredulously. He gestures toward his right, and the camera pans to reveal a smoldering crater several hundred yards wide rimmed with still-burning trees.

RAMBO VII: Night of the Were-Tiger

As the film begins, RAMBO is speeding around the track at the Indy 500. The scene cuts to the announcer's booth, where the announcer is visibly awed.

"I don't believe this!" the announcer exclaims. "Rambo has just lapped the entire field for the fifth time in a car he built himself out of steel he personally forged!"

We cut back to RAMBO speeding around the track. There are several slow motion shots of RAMBO's car passing different areas on the track, and each time a single dove flies across the screen.

Cut to the interior of the car, where a shirtless RAMBO is seated. The camera pans to his right to reveal THE GENERAL seated next to him. There is no indication as to how he got there, or why RAMBO's Indy car suddenly has a passenger's seat.

RAMBO VI: The Cobra's Pearl

As the film opens, RAMBO, smartly dressed in a tweed sport coat, is lecturing at a university. From the context of his lecture, he seems to be simultaneously teaching calculus, archaeology and women's studies.

Suddenly, THE GENERAL appears in the doorway, clearing his throat to get RAMBO's attention.

"Excuse me class," RAMBO says.

Cut to RAMBO and THE GENERAL walking across the quad.

"Rambo, our worst fears have come to fruition. The moment you and I most dreaded," he says.

"You don't mean?"

"Yes," THE GENERAL replies. "Steam powered robots from the past have kidnapped Abraham Lincoln, and if we don't go back in time to stop them, neither of us will ever be born."